A day in getting healthy: Monday-June, 6th, 2009

Woke up today at 7am to go babysitting. Very little sleep. Kept tossing and turning and felt very lonely/ emotional.

Really didn’t want to go but did, had to run out the door without breakfast. When I got there, I scavenged their cupboards for the least processed food I could find. Kitchen was a minefield of kid junk (IE. snack-ables, gold fish, frozen pizza, cookies, etc). Did the best I could by eating a cup of red grapes and one piece of white bread with some peanut butter on it.  Really good given the circumstances. Also downed a bottle of water.

Came home, made one of the tastiest burritos ever. Sprayed non-stick pan with olive oil and threw in a tortilla. Put some shredded cheese on top along with tofu, black beans and corn. Covered pan, let it get toasty, warm and tasty. Added some avocado with garlic powder, black pepper and sea salt before I folded it and cut it in half. OMFG-heaven.

Took a 3 hour nap to catch up on some sleep.

Woke up at 430 pm, called someone about a job and made myself another burrito. This time I put a little bit of ranch dressing instead of avocado because I felt like 2 avocados in one day would be too much fat, even though its the good kind.

7:00pm- Watched an inspirational weight loss video which motivated me to go to the gym. Got a call from a friend before I left who was being a total negative Nancy and it brought me down. So I watched another video before I left for the gym to pick me back up again. It worked.

7:30- Swam for an hour at the gym. Nothing hard core. Sometimes just walked back and forth in the lap lanes. Sometimes floated on my back while only sweeping my arms up and down my sides to propel me. Had moments of tranquility. Its good to move even if its not intense.

8:30pm- Came home, grabbed an orange out the fridge, got on the computer and went to www.pandora.com to listen to some music. Found an Andrea Wellard song called ‘storm’ which was absolutely beautiful. Though I cannot locate it on ares to download. I think she will be big someday.

9:30pm- Rubbed some coconut oil on my body (I like this instead of moisturizer because its natural and smells sweet) to keep from getting too dried out after the chlorine.

9:45pm- Thought I might be hungry but not feeling it so much anymore. Should go to bed at a decent time tonight to get set for my classes coming up. Will need to get up daily at 7am starting the 16th. So tonight, maybe I’ll head to bed at midnight and wake up at 8 or 9am tomorrow?

9:55pm-Walked to bathroom to get hair brush, saw someone made cheeseburgers for the taking in the kitchen. Wanted to grab one. Didn’t.

10pm- Turned off light and got under covers. Maybe this will get me ready for dreamland sooner than later. Think Im done eating for the night. Which is good.

Why is it so damn cold in starbucks?

Its not warm out today, its sort of mild, overcast on this San Diego Sunday afternoon. Yet Starbucks has the air conditioning on as if it were 90 degrees outside, its probably 65 at best. What worked for you yesterday doesn’t always work today Starbucks! Something I’m learning is true about many things in life, including weight loss. Sometimes you have to shift with the wind while keeping your overall goals and interests steady. Like when keeping your customers comfortable….. or getting healthy.

Any-who, Ive taken my lap top outside to the porch area of Starbucks so I can still access their interwebs.

I don’t do the Starbucks that often. One because, I dislike their coffee, too strong and bitter for me. Two, I prefer to support local business. But I have yet to seek out a local indie dive in my current location and for some reason the wireless is not working at my place of residence. Plus grumpy pants is still on the loose and I wanted to get away from that negativity.  So here I am…

RANDOM: A man with extremely scary blue eyes and a mumbley voice just asked me for money or a visa card. I told him I don’t hand over credit cards to people I don’t know. He said ‘OK, thank you’ and left. I’m not opposed to buying coffee for someone like that, but I think I have about 70 dollars left to my name for the next two weeks. Moving on….

STARBUCKS-I healthy choiced an Iced coffee (as opposed to a more taste-bud friendly whipped cream topped caffeine milkshake of sorts) and put a mix of fat free and 2% milk in. Along with a couple tablespoons of regular sugar. They had artificial sweeteners available, but those aren’t good for you. Besides, I’m moving past the idea of having to get as few calories as possible in a day to a balanced and healthy lifestyle remember? So those calories will simply be added to a daily total. A range of calories that I must fall between. Because food is not an enemy but a tool. Abuse that tool by taking in too little and your metabolism slows and you lose muscle. Not cool or effective for the long term. Go overboard and you sabatage progress in the right direction.

‘Food doesn’t solve anything’, is what I was trying to tell myself last night. When I wanted to eat something to settle my nerves from the house tension. But actually, if you go by what I wrote in the previous paragraph, it actually does. It can be a friend. It can be used for good, not evil. It can be something that takes in you in the right direction. The progress and growth direction. Depending on what types of food and the amount you put in your mouth.

For example, if I choose to have a turkey sandwich on whole wheat with an apple and some baby carrots, I’m giving my body progress. I’m healing it. I’m not just depriving it of something I might be craving instead, like a cheeseburger and some chips. I’m using food to my advantage. What a concept huh?

So is food my new BFF? I guess it can be. I guess it will be. But in a healthy BFF sense. Not the kind of BFF that’s fake and gives you air kisses (think Paris Hilton), but one that offers a genuine hug and an I’m here to support you in whats in your best interest BFF.

Hmmm, I like it. Food that helps me, not hurts me. Food that has my best interest in mind, not a quick superficial fix.

Indeed.

I ate craptasticly

I ate craptasticly today. Not as bad as I could do. Im an expert and binging until I feel so full that the only thing I can do to make me not feel bad about it is, ironically, eat some more food. I know there is a very physically addition there somewhere. Do I not want the full feeling to go away? Do I use more food to distract myself from the already way too full guilty feeling? I notice on the rare occasion when I am able to get ahold of myself and say, ‘fucking stop already! You dont have to ad insult to injury!’, I sit there with my full stomach and feel very internally anxious. ‘NOW WHAT?’ My body says to me. ‘We were on a role no?’ Just wait it out, I tell myself, the feeling will go away. And I’ll be thankful the next morning that I didnt continue. It will be ok. The feeling will go away, and you will feel level again. Thats what Im doing right now. Having had a large lunch but no dinner, I ate two brownies with a glass of 2% milk even though Im not even hungry. Partly because brownies taste good and partly because Im trying to distract myself from the harsh comments made by one of the men I live with. Hes a good guy most of the time, but he was in dick mode today. Lashing out at whoever was in eyesight after what I assume was a stressful day on the job. No excuse by the way. I felt hurt, after already having a stressful day myself I get dumped on by this bozo who doesnt know how to communicate with the human race today. I cried, I sulked in my room for a while, not wanting to go into the fire breathing dragons den the house has become tonight with his moody presence. Sitting out the couch in quiet rage as he focuses blindly at a crappy cable action movie filled with explosions but no real plot. Fuck you buddy. Not cool. But I dont need to let that make my ass wider now do I? No, I dont. So I’ll calm down, write this blog, and enjoy the comfort of my room instead of hiding in it like a 5 year old. Im an adult woman dammit, not a child. Sensitivity does seem to be a blessing and a curse for me. But instead of feeling that the world is over tonight due to my hurt/ betrayed feelings, Im going to sit in my room. Like an adult woman, enjoying her own company, and doing her own thing. Without the company of extra calories. Calm and calculated. Relaxed and sleepy. Knowing this too shall pass and tomorrow is rife with time to burn off the brownie at the gym, as well as detox with some green tea and whole foods. And I will. Because this is a journey not a one time event. If I could lose 100 pounds in one healthy meal Id be thin by now. If I could remove my arm fat with an hour workout that would be spectacular. But I cant. Its the consistent little actions everyday. Not the one time fuck ups or a single perfect day. So live the lifestyle that a person who cared about their overall health and wellness would. Not a person trying to lose a quick 5 pounds.

Hello world!

Im like a lot of American chicks I suppose. Having been bombarded by weight loss propaganda/ images and mixed messages of society, my mind is a clusterfuck of Mcdonalds ads and thigh master infomercials. Ive been overweight for as long as I can remember. Look at a picture of when I was 3 years old and you’ll see a chubtastic, albeit cute, little toddler. Well, its not so cute anymore. Im 27 and I dont think I can blame the baby-fat anymore.  Having dieted since I was in second grade, Ive had thousands of ‘I’ll start tomorrow’, ‘One more celebration meal’, ‘I’m going to be perfect today and everyday until Im thin!’ moments.

I used to say, ‘Hey, I freaking know how to lose weight. Ive been reading health and exercise articles since Ive been 10. Its just a matter of sticking to it’

Well, I’m not so sure anymore. I may have a lot of random health knowledge, but maybe the problem is I don’t really know what to have faith in. I have failed so many times at weight loss that my whole being tells me that my body cant lose weight. That I will always be fat. That I may lose a couple of pounds but I will always gain it back. Even if I’m perfect there is just something wrong with me.

Now of course, logically this just isn’t the case. I haven’t stuck to a healthy lifestyle long enough to realistically make those statements. I may have had weeks where Ive been really good and not lost weight or god forbid, gained weight. But I jumped off the wagon so fast when that happened that I have no idea what would have happened had I kept going for a month, two months, etc.

Once I did lose weight. A lot of weight. About 3 years ago my highest weight was 258 and I got down to 195. Yes, I hit ONEderland. I was in the 100′s for the first time in my adult life. However, my weight loss was more due to barely eating at night due to a waitressing job and occasionally throwing up some binge meals. Not due to exercise and balanced eating. While I did do some things right, I did a lot of things wrong. Things that caused me not to feel any stronger at my lower weight, things that caused me to gain it all back and then some. I wasn’t aiming for a lifestyle, I was aiming to move the scale number down as fast as I could. And it backfired.

Now, I’m trying to be patient. Which is the worst. When you don’t like what you see in the mirror, you don’t want to keep seeing it for a while, you want it to go away ASAP. But unfortunately life and weight loss don’t work that way. Lasting success on important things don’t happen overnight and by accident.

So join me on my journey to real health. The kind that comes from self love and respect, not instant results and hatred. Lets enjoy life while we are on the journey, not only when we get to goal. I dont have all the answers, but I do have a drive that has no more room for another year of my life being dulled by my size and lack of energy and health. Lets have a revolution against the typical American diet/ lifestyle thats influenced by corporate giants and a drug industry that’s hell bent on selling more drugs rather than solving the base issues of health. Lets stop thinking that we have to be perfect from day one and realize that this is a learning process and we may have to make adjustments along the way. And lets do it together instead of punishing ourselves with notions that if we cant solve every problem instantly and on our own that we somehow don’t deserve success. We do. We are success. We just have to stop getting in our own way.

I will no longer stand in the way of my success.